Dubious Sex Tips #10

Sing while you’re having sex. I’ve done Josh Groban (You Raise Me Up) and Black Eyed Peas (My Humps).

Dubious Sex Tips #9

Steal and hide some of her favourite panties. She’ll ask you if you’ve seen them and then you ask “which panties”. Then you sit back and listen to her describe all her panties in detail. Cover your semi with a throw pillow and ask for more details.

Dubious Sex Tips #8

Cram a whole muffin into your mouth, then hold her head still and kiss her and force her to take the muffin into her mouth. It doesn’t matter if she’s unhappy or if your faces are covered in bits of muffin and slobber, it just makes it sexier.

Dubious Sex Tips #7

Recipe for the perfect night:

• handcuffs
• rope
• sharp teeth
• lube
• 2 fingers
• 1 cock
• merciless approach
• aggressive attitude
• one clueless little girl

FUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUNFUN

FFFLLLEESSSHHHHHH…

Dubious Sex Tips #6

When doing her from behind, if she happens to look at you over her shoulder, GIVE HER THE FINGER.

Dubious Sex Tips #5

When you’re bathing or showering with your wife, your job is to make sure her boobs have been properly cleaned.

Dubious Sex Tips #4

Instead of that boring old sweet talk just call her with horny moose grunts.

Dubious Sex Tips #3

Take her hand and start masturbating with it. Don’t pay any attention to her, just the hand, “oh hand, you feel so good.” Remember to kiss the hand when you’re done.

Dubious Sex Tips #2

You’re in the car with your wife driving somewhere. If she asks “where are we going” or “how far is it”, regardless of the destination, don’t say anything. Take a detour (possibly through the woods) in order to freak her out even more. If she keeps asking, lock the doors, keep your poker face on and say “sorry honey, I’m just really horny”.

The aim of this is to create an atmosphere that’s just right. ;)

I’ve tested all my sex tips but I must warn you that these may not work with anybody else.

Dubious Sex Tips #1

When your partner is just about to cum (point of no return) whisper something disturbing in her ear, such as “uncle Foxy loves your hairy cunt” or “cum for me little piggy”. Alternatively you can moan loudly or make animal sounds (ee-haw-ee-haw).

Warning: This may not be a good idea if it’s the first time you’re having sex with somebody. Works better in long-term relationships and even then, maybe once a year.