I had a brain MRI scan today. The radiology nurse was really sexy, he looked a bit like Mads Mikkelsen. Too bad I also had a cold. I sneezed at a critical moment and hit my forehead on the cage/mask they make you wear over your face. Mads wasn’t angry but because I moved my head that particular set of images was ruined and for me it meant an extra 10 minutes in that fucking tube. I’m glad I’m not claustrophobic.
I have an itchy rash on my arm. I haven’t eaten anything I’m allergic to so I don’t know why I’m being punished like this. My twin and I are also trying to plan our birthday party but he wants some lame-ass nightclub party and I want fine dining and pony rides. It looks like we’re going to celebrate separately this year. (Obviously all of our friends are going to attend my party.) Did I tell you that some time ago my twin got chlamydia from his ex-girlfriend, again.
I went to get a face massage (sorry Pixie, I cheated on you) and I had my eyes closed the whole time. When I opened my eyes and got up, oh fuck, an AIWS seizure. I wasn’t sure how far the door was. My limbs seemed unnaturally long. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that computer game, Octodad, where the character is an octopus who needs to perform various household tasks while in disguise, pretending to be human. That’s what it felt like. I was taking needlessly long steps and walking while kind of leaning backwards. I think I managed to get out unnoticed.
They still don’t know I’m an octopus!
I wore my wedding ring to work for the first time. They came at me like crazy puppies. It was like standing in Piazza San Marco with a bag of bird seeds. HE HAS A RING! And then they all ran towards me and my first instinct was to take a few steps back, it was so intimidating. My PA looked really sour, I don’t know why.
I’ve been really sick for the past few days and today my best mate came over and surprised me. He cooked me pasta bolognese which wasn’t half bad! We watched a movie. Then I made him look at pussy pictures and rate them. It’s funny how someone can be so disgusted over vaginas. He was just rolling his eyes and going “ugh”. No? How about this one? Ugh. No? How about that one? UGH.
My best friend came over today to see how I was doing. We hugged. He managed to grab my sore spot so I told him to hug me more gently. It was a strange hug. It lasted too long and he rested his head on my chest. Maybe it was a joke, maybe it wasn’t. All I know is that it made me feel uneasy.
He likes me, and when I say “like” I mean I know he has feelings for me that are more than friendly. I’ve known him for 10 years and I’ve known during that whole time. I’ve tried to ignore it and I’m sure he’s tried to hide his feelings, sometimes without success. He’s never said anything to me directly but he’s confessed to many of our mutual friends who have told me. The situation fluctuates. Usually when he’s dating someone our relationship is more “normal” and he doesn’t seem to be into me, but when he’s single the awkwardness is often present.
I kissed him many years ago. I didn’t mean anything by it, it was just a test, I wanted to see if I’d feel anything. It was wrong and I never should have done it. I think it’s my fault and that it was me who put that noose around his neck.
He’s a photographer and because we’ve been best friends for years he has thousands and thousands of pictures of me. A few months after I’d met Pixie he gave her hundreds of pictures of me (because she asked, she thought it might be fun to see what I looked like 10 years ago). The flash drive “accidentally” included pictures of me doing things that I really didn’t want her to see. My friend said that he didn’t know how that folder got in there but I still don’t buy it. I think he saw how much I loved her and tried to sabotage my efforts because he didn’t want to lose me to anybody else. When we got engaged he even disappeared for a few days and I later heard that he’d been upset.
It sucks because I love him. Despite all this he’s warm, he’s kind, he’s funny. He knows me, he understands me. He’s the only person in addition to my twin who knows stuff about my childhood. He keeps my secrets. He’s always there for me and I’m always there for him. I don’t want to lose it but I don’t know what to do.
When you don’t want to hold someone’s baby but they don’t understand it even after you’ve refused three times, tell them you’re a pedophile. It works really really really really well.
We went to the cinema earlier today. As we were queuing Pixie suddenly said: “Wait, let’s not go in yet”. I asked her why and she said “I need to fart”. I wasn’t sure whether I’d misheard her or not. I kept staring at her. Then she said “okay, let’s go”. So, I’m not sure whether she farted or not but if she did I was looking at her in the eye when it happened.
Today she also told me about a theory she had on artificial gravity in space. I’m not very smart so I couldn’t really understand what she was talking about but I kept nodding. She seemed excited and then she asked: “What do you think?” I told her to call NASA. She thought I was taking the piss and got angry. It was meant as a compliment! Jenny needs to understand that Forrest really thinks she is the prettiest and the smartest.
I also want to apologise for everything I’ve ever done. Please… vagina. Or ass. I could also settle for fucking you between your thighs. Or tits. No wait, that’s not happening! Hhahahahahahaha!
The psychotic woman I live with bit my penis. Unfortunately I have a sore throat and I’ve lost my voice, and it’s really difficult to whisper and sound convincingly upset at the same time. At least I could breathe angrily.
And at least I’ve got leftover lasagna.
We went to see a house today. It was a different estate agent this time but apparently someone had given him our contact details etc. because after greeting us he asked me what kind of doctor I was. I told him I wasn’t a doctor. Then he said: “Oh, I thought you were a doctor and a dancer, sorry about that”, obviously not realising that women can be doctors as well.”We are”, I told him but he just gave me a long blank stare. A moment later he said, looking directly at Pixie, “I’m sure you want to see the kitchen, it’s over there”. Pixie walked out and I followed her. We left without saying anything. That was hours ago but I’m still annoyed. What a prick.
I bought an ear thermometer and it’s really cool. It takes about 2 seconds and then it says bleep-bleep and gives me my score, lol. I want to try it on my cats but their ears are too big.
I told Ollie to miaow once if he loves me and he did.
I fell asleep at work again. Yesterday I at least did it in the privacy of my office and when my PA woke me it wasn’t that embarrassing, but today I lay down and closed my eyes for a bit after class and was told by many people that I’d been snoring/breathing heavily into my headset.
I saw the ugliest baby. It was so ugly I couldn’t help staring at it. I can’t even describe it, ugh.
Theme restaurants. They make me feel anxious.
We went shopping today. I was looking for sandals (I’ve been looking for the perfect ones for two weeks now without success). As I was trying on a pair Lil Pix suddenly brought me black heels she found in the “bigger sizes” department. They were actually meant for women (for the less fortunate, with size 12 feet). I tried them on as a joke and did a fabulous spin. There were people looking at me. I loved their confused faces.
We went out for a dinner today and after sitting down we started laughing over something fairly stupid. It was fucking hilarious. We were both practically crying. Then the worst thing happened. The waitress came over to take our orders, but I couldn’t pull myself together and neither could she. We both just laughed silently while tears were streaming down our faces. And the waitress just stood there looking extremely confused for at least 15 seconds and man, that was a long 15 seconds. Then she gave up and left. It was so embarrassing that we got up and went to another restaurant.
