FOXY POXY

Naked people. Occasional cats and ponies. Frequent sarcasm. A few unpopular opinions.

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21st October, 2013

Everyone’s been really nice to me at work. They ask me, how are you, how’s it going, are you okay, and I’ve been offered tea every day since last Monday and that never happens. Today I found out that they all think that I got divorced. So funny. I just lost my ring a few weeks ago.

21 notes
Tagged: words diary
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30th September, 2013

Today in class I was singing into my headset a bit, you know because it’s a lovely day and I was in a good mood. So I sang “high on a hill was a lonely goatherd” and before I could show off my awesome yodelling skills a girl, currently known as my least favourite student, went “yo, Gwen Stefani”. Two things wrong with that, the first being “yo” and if you don’t know what the second problem is this is for you.

Get out of my class.

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Tagged: words diary
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6th September, 2013

Something hilarious happened last night. After the crazy crayfish party Pixie and her friends went out (while I stayed in and cleaned) and brought some people back to our place. There was a woman I didn’t know (someone’s friend) and when she saw me she immediately looked at me like she hated me, raising her eyebrows, scanning me from head to toe. Pixie introduced me to everybody as her husband and as I was about to shake hands with this woman she went “yeah, we’ve met but I thought you were single”. At this point I reckoned that I’d probably met her years ago and just couldn’t remember her face, and that she was probably insulted because I didn’t remember her. I told her that I used to be single, yes. “Did you get married this morning?” I was confused and I told her I didn’t know what she was talking about. She continued sarcastically: “Oh right, I understand that you need to pretend because your wife is here.” I was really confused and asked her what her problem was. “I’m not judging if you have an open relationship with your wife. My problem is that you lied your name and even took your ring off yesterday when you fucked me." She looked so smug. Everybody was quiet and awkward because they thought that they were witnessing me getting caught cheating. I was enjoying the conflict and I was prepared to take it even further but then Pixie told our guest that she’d probably shagged my twin. She didn’t stay for the afterparty, lol.

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23rd May, 2013

I had a brain MRI scan today. The radiology nurse was really sexy, he looked a bit like Mads Mikkelsen. Too bad I also had a cold. I sneezed at a critical moment and hit my forehead on the cage/mask they make you wear over your face. Mads wasn’t angry but because I moved my head that particular set of images was ruined and for me it meant an extra 10 minutes in that fucking tube. I’m glad I’m not claustrophobic.

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26th April, 2013

I have an itchy rash on my arm. I haven’t eaten anything I’m allergic to so I don’t know why I’m being punished like this. My twin and I are also trying to plan our birthday party but he wants some lame-ass nightclub party and I want fine dining and pony rides. It looks like we’re going to celebrate separately this year. (Obviously all of our friends are going to attend my party.) Did I tell you that some time ago my twin got chlamydia from his ex-girlfriend, again.

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30th March, 2013

Pussy was wet last night. I liked it.

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I went to get a face massage (sorry Pixie, I cheated on you) and I had my eyes closed the whole time. When I opened my eyes and got up, oh fuck, an AIWS seizure. I wasn’t sure how far the door was. My limbs seemed unnaturally long. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that computer game, Octodad, where the character is an octopus who needs to perform various household tasks while in disguise, pretending to be human. That’s what it felt like. I was taking needlessly long steps and walking while kind of leaning backwards. I think I managed to get out unnoticed.

They still don’t know I’m an octopus!

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Tagged: words diary
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7th March, 2013

I wore my wedding ring to work for the first time. They came at me like crazy puppies. It was like standing in Piazza San Marco with a bag of bird seeds. HE HAS A RING! And then they all ran towards me and my first instinct was to take a few steps back, it was so intimidating. My PA looked really sour, I don’t know why.

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4th March, 2013

I’ve been really sick for the past few days and today my best mate came over and surprised me. He cooked me pasta bolognese which wasn’t half bad! We watched a movie. Then I made him look at pussy pictures and rate them. It’s funny how someone can be so disgusted over vaginas. He was just rolling his eyes and going “ugh”. No? How about this one? Ugh. No? How about that one? UGH.

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7th December, 2012

My best friend came over today to see how I was doing. We hugged. He managed to grab my sore spot so I told him to hug me more gently. It was a strange hug. It lasted too long and he rested his head on my chest. Maybe it was a joke, maybe it wasn’t. All I know is that it made me feel uneasy.

He likes me, and when I say “like” I mean I know he has feelings for me that are more than friendly. I’ve known him for 10 years and I’ve known during that whole time. I’ve tried to ignore it and I’m sure he’s tried to hide his feelings, sometimes without success. He’s never said anything to me directly but he’s confessed to many of our mutual friends who have told me. The situation fluctuates. Usually when he’s dating someone our relationship is more “normal” and he doesn’t seem to be into me, but when he’s single the awkwardness is often present.

I kissed him many years ago. I didn’t mean anything by it, it was just a test, I wanted to see if I’d feel anything. It was wrong and I never should have done it. I think it’s my fault and that it was me who put that noose around his neck.

He’s a photographer and because we’ve been best friends for years he has thousands and thousands of pictures of me. A few months after I’d met Pixie he gave her hundreds of pictures of me (because she asked, she thought it might be fun to see what I looked like 10 years ago). The flash drive “accidentally” included pictures of me doing things that I really didn’t want her to see. My friend said that he didn’t know how that folder got in there but I still don’t buy it. I think he saw how much I loved her and tried to sabotage my efforts because he didn’t want to lose me to anybody else. When we got engaged he even disappeared for a few days and I later heard that he’d been upset.

It sucks because I love him. Despite all this he’s warm, he’s kind, he’s funny. He knows me, he understands me. He’s the only person in addition to my twin who knows stuff about my childhood. He keeps my secrets. He’s always there for me and I’m always there for him. I don’t want to lose it but I don’t know what to do.

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27th October, 2012

I screamed like a pig with asthma.

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20th September, 2012

When you don’t want to hold someone’s baby but they don’t understand it even after you’ve refused three times, tell them you’re a pedophile. It works really really really really well.

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8th September, 2012

We went to the cinema earlier today. As we were queuing Pixie suddenly said: “Wait, let’s not go in yet”. I asked her why and she said “I need to fart”. I wasn’t sure whether I’d misheard her or not. I kept staring at her. Then she said “okay, let’s go”. So, I’m not sure whether she farted or not but if she did I was looking at her in the eye when it happened.

Today she also told me about a theory she had on artificial gravity in space. I’m not very smart so I couldn’t really understand what she was talking about but I kept nodding. She seemed excited and then she asked: “What do you think?” I told her to call NASA. She thought I was taking the piss and got angry. It was meant as a compliment! Jenny needs to understand that Forrest really thinks she is the prettiest and the smartest.

I also want to apologise for everything I’ve ever done. Please… vagina. Or ass. I could also settle for fucking you between your thighs. Or tits. No wait, that’s not happening! Hhahahahahahaha!

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24th August, 2012

The psychotic woman I live with bit my penis. Unfortunately I have a sore throat and I’ve lost my voice, and it’s really difficult to whisper and sound convincingly upset at the same time. At least I could breathe angrily.

And at least I’ve got leftover lasagna.

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4th July, 2012

We went to see a house today. It was a different estate agent this time but apparently someone had given him our contact details etc. because after greeting us he asked me what kind of doctor I was. I told him I wasn’t a doctor. Then he said: “Oh, I thought you were a doctor and a dancer, sorry about that”, obviously not realising that women can be doctors as well.”We are”, I told him but he just gave me a long blank stare. A moment later he said, looking directly at Pixie, “I’m sure you want to see the kitchen, it’s over there”. Pixie walked out and I followed her. We left without saying anything. That was hours ago but I’m still annoyed. What a prick.

I bought an ear thermometer and it’s really cool. It takes about 2 seconds and then it says bleep-bleep and gives me my score, lol. I want to try it on my cats but their ears are too big.

I told Ollie to miaow once if he loves me and he did.

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